Greatest Fear vs Faith

Yesterday I had a low sort of depressing day. I haven't been as bad as before and I hope that my post pregnancy hormones are evening out. Any ways, I finally figured out what was bothering me that night. This past Monday a 10 year boy was shot and killed by accident by his best friend. That resonated with me since we have a small little boy and we have firearms.

When Luke was first born another little boy, age 4, died 2 days after Luke was born from Carbon Monoxide poisoning in our old town. I was devastated...I was telling Brandon to go out and get any and all detectors for a house that didn't have any natural gas. We have them in our current house now. That is my greatest Fear. Losing Luke.

As I came to this realization of why I was in a down spirit yesterday when I was reading my C.S. Lewis book "Mere Christianity"....and please correct me if I got this all wrong. I finally understand God's love for us. I guess it had to take being a parent to figure it out but if that was the way I was to learn I am glad for it. You see are emotions, our instinct and our reasoning is all given to us by God. We love because God loves, we reason because God reasons. We couldn't know how to do it unless God can do it because after all we are created in HIS image. I guess that is where Christ comes in. You see God does not know sin, we turned away from him. We decided it was better be like God instead of being children of God....in essence we wanted to be God and didn't want Him to be apart of that. Christ was God's only way of reconnecting with us. You see when we sin we have to repent, but do not want to and we need God's help to do so. God does not know how to repent because He has not sinned. So in essence we do not know how because God does not know how. That is where Christ comes in. God could only do it that if He became human so that we can repent our wrong doings and be closer to and with God. That is basically what I understand now lets talk about God as Father.

As a parent this very fear of Losing Luke can almost put me in to an anxiety attack. It may worsen when I think of being separated from him, not for periods of time but FOREVER. I can't imagine the pain it is to lose a child but I know it is great. I guess that is how God feels when he loses his children. I guess he wants to be with us and watch us grow up, but the idea of being separated from those he has created can be gut wrenching. I guess sometimes I think with the amount of people who do not know God and denounce him I want to give God some Prozac and tell him it will be ok..."I'll bring his Children back to him...I'll go and gather the sheep". I guess that is why he gives us eternal life because He doesn't want to be separated from us no more than I wanting be separated from Luke. He loves ME, and you...THAT MUCH. Only way to do that was to make a sacrifice. Something I would do to save my son from danger. Maybe that is why he gives us children and families is to know God's love. To recreate it on Earth so that we know what it like in Heaven. But if I can love and not do it perfectly, can you imagine God's love and he can do everything perfectly. WOW!

I went to bed knowing that God loves me that much and my fear subsided and faith stepped in.

Amazing Day

I've been too distracted by frontierville to post. I found a new hobby, not sure it's a good one-to waste the minutes of my day. Seriously, playing frotierville makes my day at home go by so much quicker. I know I probably could be cleaning or doing something that is productive...like work on my paintings...but when Luke is sleeping or playing by himself I want something that is sort of mindless....an escape for a short time...but this in the end is not why I'm blogging.

God is good. I hope you know that. I've been blessed in so many ways. I got approved to start teaching my art classes at A&M UMC. So they start next week! WHOOP!!! So when I went to the church to pick out a room, I had many to my own choosing and got to pick any of them! After that I stopped by and met the music director. He just so happens to be leading a study on "Mere Christianity"by C.S. Lewis! Another WHOOP! (When I WHOOP it is like me saying Hallelujah or Amen for you non-aggies) See earlier post of why this is so important. Turns out, the choir director and I have similar issues with family members who are atheist. We both agree digging into C.S. Lewis' philosophies will not only fortify our own beliefs but also have some "rhetoric ammo" when we defend our faith or try to persuade the other side.

Soon after our introduction he realized I was the art teacher and was excited about my classes. He is going to do some free advertising for me in next week's bulletin. He is also interested in hosting me and some other local artist in an art show. So that gives me motivation to get out a few more pieces. I shall have no excuses of not to paint. I'm working on gathering up source pictures and so I hope to start one here soon!

So after leaving church I was so excited because I felt that God has something big planned for me and my art. Things were just happening! As I was driving home I noticed a car full of people on the side of the road. So I slammed on my brakes (no one was behind me) and did a U-TURN and went back to help. It was a black family...and the only reason why I bring up the color of their skin is because it brings back memories of me and Katy-Marie in the HEB parking lot picking up some black teenagers and giving them a lift to Little Caesars and the entire time I was freaking out ( I think we had a total of 5 black kids in my high school class...I was a sheltered white girl and find them intimidating if they dress "gangster" style**on that note anyone who dresses like that is intimidating...I really don't find it fashionable or "cool"**. And I know I say all of this with Eminem playing on my playlist...oxymoron if ask me) because I thought we were getting ourselves in trouble. I was humbled that night and she taught me something great...TRUST the spirit of God. So today I had that peace and I KNEW it was the spirit telling me to turn back and help those people. Stranger or no Stranger help them. So we went and got gas and filled up their van and I took off. I think they were even surprised this young white girl was helping them. They thanked me but really I wanted to keep hugging the mom and tell her thank you because they blessed my life. Today I grew not only in my walk with God, but took a step closer in to loving his children, his people the way he loves me and that is something I learned yesterday from reading Mere Christianity. SO really today was blessed day.